this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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