I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
