my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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