He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
