Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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