you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
