Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
