i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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