i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
