Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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