I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
