Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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