so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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