So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
