Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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