I'm so fucking centered right now
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
