i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
