Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
