I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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