My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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