somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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