my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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