We named our party play list daddy issues
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
