Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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