there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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