I'm going to jail i love you
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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