i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
