My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
