the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Green mimosas i think yes
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
