Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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