I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
