Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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