Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
