my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
