highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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