i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
