take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
