my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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