So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
