Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
