nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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