I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
