those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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