Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
