Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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