I'm so fucking centered right now
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
