Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
