Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
