tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
