Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
